Failure et Fantasy

i don't know what i'm doing sometimes:
or all the time
my mind is muddled and mettles in business
other than it's own
(but that's another matter)
altogether i'm a mess and more messy even
in pieces
i'm a pisces
pretentious and poseur;
infernal amateur
you name it
i've failed it
but inexplicably i'm not dead yet
and sometimes i forget how much everything hurts and just hold tight and
forget that i used to want to die
{for so many years}and that's the meaning of life

perhaps

but i'm no philosopher
more a pedant, a peddler of nonsense dressed as knowledge
and facts are less than what I make up in my spare time
the mind flies when you're having fun and then stops to write bad puns
literary gaffs portrayed as art
and if i was in new york, this nonpoem would be famous
but hetero white southern people can't create
and we all know that